Last night I had a nightmare. I was in a cabin in the woods, the only cabin around. The sun was going down and the sky was a dark navy color, clinging onto every last drop of sunlight before the darkness swallowed it whole. I was there alone.
I ventured onto the deck. The loneliness outside felt different from the loneliness inside. It was as if the world could consume me out there in the wilderness while I could only nibble at myself in the sheltered warmth of my cabin. I wasn’t on the deck very long before I heard a bellow from the woods. I felt my body turn on with cortisol, every sense firing from all cylinders. A half a second later a large, looming silhouette appeared forty yards away, dashing towards me. Another half a second later the light of my cabin illuminated the bear, even larger and more daunting than initially perceived. I was twenty feet from the door of my cabin. After a moment of paralysis, I jolted toward it, threw myself inside, and slammed the door behind me. My heart pounded so hard that it drowned out the pounding of the bear on my door. Eventually the chorus of noise stopped. I lay on the ground exhausted as I felt the panic turn to relief inside of my body. The cortisol met the dopamine like a warm blanket slowly pulled up my body, until at last the ringing in my ears became a soft hum. My heart returned to its normal, reluctant pattern. I sat up and took in my surroundings. It could’ve been five minutes or three hours, who’s to say. Creeping into the feeling of safety came the presence of loneliness. It felt infinite, as deep and vast as the night sky. The more I felt it the more it grew, until it felt like who I was. My organs started to turn to mush, liquidated by the rot of singularity. To my amazement, as the conscious observer of my dream, I sat up and peaked out the windows. Fresh off of a near death experience I felt as if whatever was out there had to be better than this. I didn’t see anything of alarm so I continued, opening the door and stepping out. The vastness of the world around me was fresh with danger and possibility. The more steps I took the more alive I felt, like anything could happen. I got around the side of the house to where I could see the outline of the painted mountains. They were so old and wise, worn and weathered. Suddenly, I heard a bellow from the woods adorning the clearing of my cabin and I wasted no time identifying the source. With all my might I jolted, overcoming the deck in a matter of seconds, reaching the door just as the bear burst into the clearing in front of me. Miraculously, I made it inside, unscathed. Gasping for air I felt the hard warm pump of panic surging through my veins. I felt alive so close to death, like nothing else mattered outside of this moment. Over and over I did this, nearly dying and barely surviving until the sun came up and my eyes fluttered open.
I think I would rather the bear swallow me whole than devour myself from the inside out.
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